so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.