I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.