Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
25 Disturbing Facts That Will Make You Question Everything
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out