is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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