The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
