He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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