He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
