I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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