I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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