I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
