And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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