Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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