he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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