took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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