you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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