somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
