Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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