the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
