How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
