I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
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I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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