I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
