Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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