If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
