Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
