Don't make out with my wife yet
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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