Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
