1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
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she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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