Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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