I just saw a hot homeless man
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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