omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
