walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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