I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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