You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
