Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
