I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
