Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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