I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
