My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
sarcasm needs its own font
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
