Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
