We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
