I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
