i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
