dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
