I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Randomize
