I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I touched a dick in church today
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