3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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