Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
