He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
