If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
