I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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