guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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