i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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