I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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