can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Me. At least after what I've been through.
my being single is dangerous.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
