worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
