I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
