I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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