Please, let me fuck your mom
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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