Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
