Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
