Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
