Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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