This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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